As I sit on my comfortable couch, all tucked in under a blanket, warm and shielded from the cold evening, the warmth of my laptop on my knees creating a pleasant feeling of being in my own protective cucoon, the soft glower of the lamp on my side, casts a golden glow on all the furniture, bringing up visions of a cozy evening; my mind and heart is a-scatter, as turbulent as the wind howling outside and as perturbed as the over cast heavens above.
My heart despite the urge to otherwise, is yearning for that one human, that one soul whose heart beats as one with mine, and whose mind reads mine regardless the distance. Him whose gaze I would chose to be under, whose touch I want to shudder to, and him whose presence I seem only to be able to fathom in my dreams…
My mind is quick to snap me out of visions of the ideal bliss, and bring me crashing down to earth into the harsh realities of the storm ridden evening. A hundred story lines reel through my mind. To which ones would we resort to when in that moment under fire. My heart races yet the knowledge that he would be there with me, as he always is, nearer to me than the clothes on my body because he has resided in my heart and in my veins since that night, makes me see a glint of silver in the golden hued room, through my glistening eyes…
All the ‘what ifs” and ‘if nots”, the ‘maybe’s’, the ‘could be’s’ and ‘should been’s’ that we will to be, against the reality that he is ‘there’ and I am ‘here’ puts me through a bodily experience of being in a whirlpool, only it is all internal. No one as yet to my surprise has questioned my clumsy acts nor my random comments when I feel the pangs of the loss in connection for all I can envision around me is him, him and only him……
Here on my couch I close my eyes and take deep breaths, hands clenched, trying to obliterate the heart tearing need to look in to his eyes and have him say that’s its going to be ok; that I would be his and only his, and that I would answer to him and him alone.
I pray for open hearts and open minds, for chances given and chances taken, for love spread and love spent, satisfaction of our combined passions in body and mind, and most importantly memories of joy, laughter and smiles.
Humbled am I at the moment, for no choice is my own. A girl on the brink of womanhood, thoroughly lost in the choice of others for the moment. He could chose to leave me, and I plead as I pray that he goes no where, because I will always be here, too afraid to leave my nest, without a reassurance of a pair of strong wings. Heart trembles at the thought of pain I may inadvertently cause, the heartache of a thousand broken promises, a thousand would be’s and a snatch back of a million kisses given and fathomed.
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